


Back to You

by Actual_Pixie



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Drama, Drug Addiction, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Drama, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-03
Updated: 2012-10-05
Packaged: 2017-11-09 02:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Pixie/pseuds/Actual_Pixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Told through a series of flashbacks and present-day encounters, this story explores how past choices and relationships affect our futures. Some ties are never broken, and sometimes it's not even us who suffers from our decisions. Heavily inspired by Adele's album, 21.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One & Only, Part 1

_**Fragment 01** _

_****_ _**One & Only, Part 1** _

_****_" _You've been on my mind_

___I grow fonder every day_

_Lose myself in time_

_Just thinking of your face"_

_  
_

_It's winter. The trees are bare and the park deserted, save for a lone boy sitting on a stone bench reading a book far more advanced than his grade level. Lelouch gets cold easily but his mother thoroughly bundled him up in a thick down-feather coat and wool scarf, and he likes the tranquil atmosphere of the park – especially when it's secluded like this – too much to let the weather spoil his enjoyment. Snow falls gently from the sky, some flakes nestling in his dark hair and others melting upon contact with his skin or clothing. The rest gathers in small heaps upon the grass._

_Lelouch turns the page._

_He enjoys reading. It is relaxing, and though he would ever admit it to any of his siblings he sometimes envisions himself as the main characters, partaking in thrilling adventures and rescuing shy maidens from fates worse than death. Pretending is nice. Schneizel would call it immature but Lelouch calls it safe, because he can pretend he is anything in the world – the prince of a holy empire, a dark wizard, anything the stories imagine he can be – just not Lelouch Vi Britannia, who hates the sound of yelling and breaking glass and his sister crying as a family dinner dissolves into another senseless fight and his father storms out of the house yet again._

_Lelouch hates his father. Not only because of the fights, but because most of the time he feels as if he doesn't even have a father at all. Schneizel says he's the favorite son, but Lelouch never believes him; Schneizel is a teenager and all teenagers do is lie, and Lelouch can count the number of birthdays his father has attended on one hand._

_Today is his birthday. Lelouch did not ask for presents or a big party, only for peace and quiet. He stays at the park much longer than his usual hour or two because he knows his mother is planning something anyways and he knows something will happen (something always happens, usually because of that man) to make it only painfully memorable. If at he stays at the park, maybe they'll only get mad at him, and not get mad at each other, and there won't be any shouting or throwing the cake like on Nunnally's birthday..._

_Something hits his leg._

_Lelouch blinks, looks down, and discovers a soccer ball. He's about to kick it away, but sees someone has already come to claim it as he follows the path made in the snow up to a boy about his own age. The boy is dressed in faded jeans and a baggy sweatshirt (isn't he cold like that?) with a blue tuque pulled over his head; his breath comes out in white clouds as he runs._

" _Hi," he says once he's close enough. He stops three or so feet from the bench and lingers there expectantly. Lelouch only stares at him, mildly surprised at the intrusion of privacy, until eventually the boy shifts uncomfortably and scratches at his elbow. "Um, sorry... That's mine." He points to the ball and approaches to pick it up. Lelouch waits for him to leave, but he doesn't. "What are you doing out here by yourself?"_

_There's genuine curiosity in his voice and, Lelouch detects with a small amount of resentment, concern. Lelouch hates being babied._

" _Reading," he answers coldly, and holds up the book for emphasis. The way the boy's face flushes in embarrassment – because, really, that should have been_ obvious _– pleases him._

_Rather than Lelouch hoped, the boy does not simply take his soccer ball and go. Obviously subtlety is lost on him and Lelouch resorts to curling his upper lip and purposefully scooting away as he is joined on the bench._

" _Reading what?"_

_Lelouch looks the boy up and down, decides from the hand-me-down state of his clothes the boy's socioeconomic status, and says something he hopes will sting enough to get him off the bench and back out of sight. "I highly doubt you'd know it, even if I did tell you."_

_The boy laughs, much to Lelouch's shock and annoyance. "Probably not. Hey, do you want to play?" He holds the soccer ball up in invitation._

_Unlike his step-brothers, Lelouch has never been good at sports. His chest cavity is narrow, his lungs can't expand fully, and the other boys tease him when he just can't keep up in class – not that he cares what any of them think. "I'm reading," he says. Something about the way the boy's face falls makes Lelouch's stomach flip unpleasantly; he's never dealt well with guilt. "Won't your teammates be upset?" he asks, sighing in defeat._

_The boy's hands - not covered in gloves like Lelouch's own - grip the ball tightly. "I..." He looks away, blushing. Lelouch quirks an eyebrow. "I actually came alone," he finally says before meeting Lelouch's gaze hopefully._

_There is something familiar about his eyes. A despair hidden deep within emerald pools that Lelouch identifies with, fights to mask every day in front of others. But he knows in that instant the boy has seen it, and their shared sorrow is what made him take that seat beside Lelouch on the park bench._

_Lelouch sets the book aside and instead places his hands over the boy's. The boy's smile lights up his whole face, and it's infectious; Lelouch finds himself smiling as well._

_It's winter. The trees are bare and the park deserted, save for two boys laughing together on a stone bench._

_It is Lelouch Vi Britannia's twelfth birthday, the day he made his first true friend, and the day he fell in love._


	2. Set Fire to the Rain, Part 1

_**Fragment 02  
Set Fire to the Rain**  
"There's a side to you that I never knew, never new  
All the things you'd say  
They were never true, never true."_

_  
_

_Lelouch does not attend the ceremony. He receives multiple invitations, all of which go ignored, along with a multitude of written, e-mailed and voicemail pleadings for him to please show up and act as the best man. He sends a gift, of course. Doing otherwise would be bad manners, and in the Britannia family keeping up appearances is everything. But the check barely covers the cost of a plate and the card - with only his signature and a brief note, _I hope you're very happy_ \- hardly expresses any of the pride and familial love that should come from a brother on his sister's wedding day._

_While Euphemia walks down the aisle in, he imagines, an impeccable white princess ball gown, Lelouch holes himself up in his small one-bedroom apartment - all he can afford since the engagement was announced and he walked out on his old life - and loses himself in a time where Suzaku, who would be devastatingly handsome in his equally white suit as he stands before the altar with a shy, expectant smile on his face, belonged only to him._

_(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)_

_Suzaku only hesitates for a moment, when he looks into Euphemia's shining amethyst eyes and sees someone else. His lips part but his throat is suddenly dry, incapable of producing sound. Euphemia's hand tightens around his own. He nearly drops the ring._

_Lelouch.  
_  
 _He blinks and only Euphemia, her eyes rimmed with unshed tears, stares back at him._

_Lelouch isn't there at his side. Not that he ever really thought he would be, even after all the times Suzaku begged for him to. Suzaku may be happy on this day, but after all they have been to each other he can hardly expect Lelouch to willingly stand by and watch him give himself wholly to another person. Lelouch has always liked Euphemia best out of all his half-siblings, but it doesn't change the fact that this wedding is the ultimate betrayal, doesn't change the fact that as Suzaku slides the ring onto Euphemia's slender finger, whispering, "I do," he is leaving Lelouch behind forever._

_He thought he'd long since gotten over it. Long since decided this was the better path in life for him, the right choice to make._

_Still, as Euphemia kisses him and the organ sounds and the church erupts into polite applause, he feels a small part of his heart - the part still devoted to Lelouch, maybe, to the freedom a smile and slender hand once offered him - shatter._ ** _  
_**

_  
_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place in the 'present' for real. And now that these three segments have been posted, I'll point out if it hasn't been obvious that there are three separate time frames this story takes place in: The childhood flashbacks ('One & Only'), which will be presented in the order which they happened; the teenage/young adult flashbacks ('Set Fire to the Rain') which will actually work backwards; and finally the present-day, which will also be written as they take place and each be named after a different song. Sorry for being super confusing, but this story will indeed be jumping all over the place. xD;

 

**Fragment 03**  
 **Don't You Remember?**  
 _"I know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness_  
 _And a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head.._  
 _But don't you remember_  
 _The reason you loved me before?"_

Lelouch recognizes him in an instant. The tattered clothes of childhood are long gone, replaced instead with a sophisticated suit that looks entirely unnatural on him – his is a body built for manual labor, broad and strong and much better suited for hiking outdoors than spending days cooped up in an office. But that's where he's going, if the briefcase in his hands is any indication. His hair is slightly different as well, shorter but no less tame even with the obvious attempt of product. His smile is the same, wide and engaging as he makes idle conversation with the barista, making her laugh easily. Lelouch wants to smile as well, despite the frantic beating of his heart and the burning anger that surges through his veins. Suzaku's always had that power, but Lelouch has had ten years to develop immunity to boyish charms.

He decides first to disregard Suzaku's presence entirely; pretend as if he doesn't know the young business man before him (it won't be that far a stretch from the truth; after ten years, he's certainly neither the little boy from the park Lelouch wasted his first crush on, or the passionate teenager who pressed a needle to his vein and promised it would all be okay) and just orders his coffee like usual. But then, he thinks angrily, he should give Suzaku a piece of his mind; deliver the slug to the face that is many years belated but no less undeserved.

"Venti latte for Lelouch," the barista chirps, and whatever course of action Lelouch decided on is pointless now as Suzaku turns his head and focuses wide eyes on him.

They're greener than Lelouch remembers, bright and lovely and sparkling with recognition and a happiness he doesn't try to mask. He does hesitate before he speaks, and because of that Lelouch can't think of him as completely brainless even if he disagrees with everything Suzaku has done with his life.

"Is that really you?"

Lelouch rolls his eyes - because, really, that should have been  _obvious_ , his name is hardly common and Suzaku knows it perfectly well. But maybe there's a part of him just like there's a part of Lelouch that hopes this isn't happening. Starbucks at seven-fifteen on a Monday morning is hardly the place for a reunion bound to be full of tears and yelling and flying fists and  _biting kisses, clawing hands on clothing, taking him roughly and forcing him to realize who he should belong to, she isn't good enough or maybe she's just too good but Suzaku and Lelouch are sinners who deserve each other_  -

"I never thought I'd see you here."

'Here' not only meaning in public, but in the downtown business district, in the Starbucks right next to Britannia Corp's headquarters.

"I've turned over a new leaf," Lelouch says, raising his arms because he always been fond of dramatic gestures. The scars on his arms, old and new, prove that he's lying but he doubts Suzaku believes anything that comes out of his mouth anyways, considering how all those years ago he completely disregarded Lelouch clinging to him, crying, insisting over and over that he loved him, needed him, would die before he let Suzaku just walk away and choose a pretty faceover him… Oh, but he's still alive so maybe he is a liar after all.

"Well…" Suzaku takes a step forward, Lelouch takes a step back. Green eyes blink rapidly and, thank God, the happiness in them slowly dissipates. As he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly Lelouch spies the glint of a wedding ring. "It was nice seeing you, then." He's perceptive as always, for when he lowers his hand he shoves it into his pocket. "You look good, Lelouch."

Yes, Lelouch is sure he does, even with the bags under his eyes and nervous twitch and sweat beading at his forehead. Suzaku always thought he was very pretty and time has treated both of them well.

"You should, um…" Suzaku shifts on his feet nervously. "You should come by for dinner sometime."  _No_. "Euphie would love to see you."  _Like I give a shit._

It's peace offering; Suzaku's always been fond of those:  _Let's make amends and be best pals again; I'll have my beautiful adoring wife cook dinner in our perfect little house and watch your heart break with every perfectly adoring look I send her way…_

Lelouch's fists clench at his sides. Like hell would he subject himself to that. Receiving their wedding invitation had been enough of a slap in the face…

It can only end it disaster.

He will only come to regret it.

_Or maybe..._

He forces a smile. Says, "I'd like that," and watches as Suzaku beams. 


	4. One and Only, Part 2

 

 

 

** Fragment 04**   
**One & Only, Part 2**   
_"I don't know why I'm scared_   
_I've been here before_   
_Every feeling, every word_   
_I've imagined it all"_

_"So, um… I've seen you here before, you know. Reading."_

_The boy's name is Suzaku Kururugi. He's eleven-and-six-months and lives with his father, whom he doesn't like talking about – which suits Lelouch just fine; they make an unspoken vow to never breach the subject of family. He likes hamburgers and sports, and he doesn't understand most school subjects (no, physical education doesn't count, um, so he is good at math, sort of?) and his smile makes Lelouch's heart clench in a way that is both uncomfortable and pleasant at the same time._

_They meet in the early evening, at the same park bench, Lelouch always with a book because he gets there first most of the time and Suzaku with his ball because he promises Lelouch that one day he'll get him to play with him. It's been almost two weeks and all they do is sit on the bench, making small conversation. Sometimes Lelouch reads aloud; it embarrassed him the first time Suzaku asked if he could – Suzaku, who doesn't even like books or reading, but who shrugged nonchalantly and made Lelouch blush with his simple explanation of, "I like listening to you."_

_And it must be true, because Suzaku rarely interrupts between paragraphs – unless to ask the meaning of a word, which he does every so often then wrinkles his nose and complains ("why don't they just_

_say that?") when Lelouch gives a triumphant little smirk (he does like being smarter) and tells him._

_Mildly surprised by the sudden declaration, Lelouch sets his bookmark between the pages. "Yeah?" he replies, for lack of anything better to say. He's both flattered and disconcerted. What can he say to the fact that Suzaku has been watching him?_

_Suzaku twists a fleece black scarf – it's Lelouch's; he arrived with it at the end of the first week, perturbed by Suzaku's lack of coat and blue-hued lips – idly around his neck. "Yeah."_

_He does not say anything more._

_Lelouch frowns and closes the book. There's something locked behind emerald eyes. Suzaku isn't good at hiding things; he's strangely honest in a way Lelouch is unaccustomed to. Not having to decode every word from the boy's mouth is refreshing, but more often than not Lelouch finds himself frustrated with Suzaku because of it. "And?"_

_Whatever it is is uncomfortable for Suzaku to admit. He stalls by glancing up at the barren tree above them, down at his soccer ball, anywhere but Lelouch's face. "And, well... You always looked really lonely. I wanted to say something to you for a while, but I never really knew what... and... um, usually my control of the ball is really good."_

_Suzaku's voice trails off but Lelouch understands. "So my getting hit with a soccer ball wasn't an accident?"_

_"...My aim's always been really good, too."_

_Lelouch rolls his eyes. "Idiot."Suzaku glares at him. "I have a bruise, you know." That isn't true at all; the ball barely touched him. But Suzaku leans in close and grasps his shoulders in an awkward, boyish hug, and Lelouch isn't as moral as Suzaku, he has no problem telling white lies when it's convenient. Suzaku is a welcome warmth in the cold winter air; Lelouch leans into him unconsciously, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent of nature that seems to cling to the other boy._

_"I'm sorry, Lelouch! I didn't mean to hurt you, I just-"_

_Lelouch silences him by laying a hand atop Suzaku's head, brushing thick curls back and out of his face. It's an apology accepted and something much more. Suzaku's cheeks turn pink. It's cute, but a sure sign the moment has gone on longer than necessary._

_Coughing, Lelouch releases the boy – his friend? Love interest? The fine line is hard for a twelve-year-old, even a smart one like Lelouch, to differentiate between. "I guess I forgive you. Though I don't know how you could be scared to talk to someone..."_

_That gets a reaction. The blush on Suzaku's face darkens for an entirely different reason as he straightens his posture and crosses his arms indignantly over his chest. "I wasn't scared," he sniffs._

_The awkwardness of before is gone. Suzaku is picking a fight now, but it isn't the sort of fight Lelouch is used to at home, ones that end in tears. Lelouch knows, because Suzaku is a gentle person and their childish squabbles are nothing more than that._

_He takes the bait. "Chicken."_

_"Say that to my face!"_

_"I am."_

_Suzaku opens his mouth, then promptly closes it upon realizing he can't argue the truth. His lower lip juts out in defeat as he glares down at his sneakers._

_Lelouch laughs openly. Eventually Suzaku forgets his anger and joins him._


	5. Set Fire to the Rain, Part 2

**_Fragment 05_ ** **_  
_** _**Set Fire to the Rain, Part 2**  
_ _"I set fire to the rain  
_ _And I threw us into the flames  
_ _When we fell, something died  
_ _Cause I knew that that was the last time"_

_"You fucked her!"_ _  
_

_Suzaku shakes his head. He can't take this. "You're using again."_

_"Didn't you?"_

_"I can't talk to you like this..."_

_Lelouch grabs his shoulders, and it's strange but he's somehow harnessed the strength to push Suzaku back against the doorframe. His eyes are wild, pupils blown, lips still swollen from earlier that morning; Suzaku can't even look at him. "Didn't you?"  
_   
_Suzaku hesitates and then sighs, and that speaks volumes more than anything he could actually say. Lelouch bites down on his knuckles, torn between screaming and crying but still too proud to let Suzaku see him do either._

_"Look, just... Let's sit down, okay? I'll fix you something to eat and we'll talk about this." The last thing he wants to do is talk about it. Guilt gnaws at him and its only worse now that Lelouch knows. The only thing Suzaku can feel relief over is that the lie will no longer eat him away from the inside, every time he makes love to Lelouch and envisions someone else._ _  
_

_"Don't you patronize me, you self-righteous— You think you're better than me, Suzaku? Is that it?" His shoulders shake. Suzaku wants to reach out and comfort him, he knows this is hard and there is no right way to end things, and despite it all he'll always have a place in his heart for Lelouch; but he only stands there, too afraid to actually touch him. "Just because you work in a big building now?"_ _  
_

_Lelouch throws his head back, releasing a sharp laugh that sends a chill down Suzaku's spine. When the laughter dies down, Lelouch saunters forward, eyes lidded and roaming over the pressed slacks and crisp white shirt Suzaku wears. Pale fingers curl around the tie dangling from Suzaku's neck. "Who got you that cushy office job?" Suzaku only blinks. "You think Britannia Corp was impressed by your resume? You – a college dropout!" To Lelouch's satisfaction, Suzaku flushes. Lelouch presses closer, lips brushing against Suzaku's ear, and of course there's an automatic physical reaction. "They were about to toss it in the trash when I went in to talk to them. I_ begged  _them to hire you."_ _  
_

 _"You think I don't know that?" Suzaku averts his gaze. He knows he'd never get a real job on his own; he hasn't anywhere near the necessary credentials for that. Still, it pains to be reminded of the fact that he owes everything he has to the person he currently can't even look in the eye, the man he loves but, for the good of them both, he must abandon. "You think it doesn't humiliate me, every time I step into the office and have to hear them whispering about how I'm sleeping with the boss's son?"_ _  
_

_"You are, aren't you? And now the boss's daughter..."_

_"Lelouch—"_ _  
_

_"What's worse, office bike or junkie? You were just like me not long ago. Nothing. You'd still be nothing, without me, and you think Euphie would even spare you a second thought then?"_ _  
_

_No. No she wouldn't, because Euphemia is good and pure and he still doesn't understand what she sees in him, only that he's desperate for the salvation she's offered him – for a normal life, like he's never known. Something he can actually be proud of, and she can give it to him. "I don't want to be that person anymore. I want... what everyone at Britannia has, Lelouch. What you gave up. A real life... I want to actually provide for myself, maybe a family one day-"_ _  
_

_"I could have provided for you!" Lelouch kisses him firmly, and for a moment Suzaku allows it, even wraps his arms around Lelouch's waist and pulls him closer. Lelouch melts against him, sighing into his mouth._

_Suzaku pulls back and brushes his fingers through silky black hair. His voice is soft when he speaks; "Like you're providing for Nunnally?'  
_ _  
Lelouch jerks away as if slapped, tears springing to his wide, disbelieving eyes. Suzaku swallows his guilt, hardens his resolve. This needs to be done. He can't live this way anymore. He wants more out of his life than this – than them, the constant tug-of-war that is their relationship. "Please, Lelouch..." His hand passes over Lelouch's cheek, his eyes, memorizing it all a final time. Lelouch will never want to see him again after this. "...You can't even take care of yourself."_   
_  
Lelouch slams the door on his way out.  
_ _  
Suzaku holds a hand to his stinging cheek and sinks to the floor.  
_   
_He tells himself it was the right thing to do._


	6. Someone Like You, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the song that inspired the entire story. It was supposed two just be one long chapter, but I split it up into 5 parts because of the M-rated material that happens at the end. Just to give a heads up.

****_**Fragment 06**  
 **Someone Like You, Part 1**_  
 _"I've heard that you settled down_  
 _That you found a girl and you're married now_  
 _I heard that your dreams came true_  
 _Guess she gave you things I couldn't give to you"_

The house is perfect; a charming bungalow with cream-colored paneling and red-framed picture windows, separated from its larger neighbors by a wrap-around white picket fence that looks to have been recently repainted. Lining the cobbled walkway to the cheerful red door are perfectly manicured yellow roses. In the right corner of the yard is a sturdy oak tree with a tire swing hanging from one of the thicker branches, swaying back and forth idly in the gentle summer breeze. Even the air surrounding the house is of freshly cut grass.

Lelouch wrinkles his nose in distaste, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his distressed jeans and wishing he had anything on him worth littering. A crumbled receipt, or cigarette butt – anything to devalue the flawless example of domesticity before him. Unfortunately he carries nothing on him but his wallet and syringe – and neither of those things he is willing to part with.

So instead he needlessly double-checks the plaque above the white mailbox to make sure the address is correct. Its black-painted characters, elegant script that is hardly masculine (not that anything about the house, aside from the garish orange toolbox carelessly forgotten by the hose, screams masculine) remains unchanged – ** _Kururugi Family_**.

Why has he come here, again? Lelouch idly kicks a pebble off the otherwise flawless sidewalk, trying to appear as if he isn't just loitering around a strange house but actually has a purpose for being there – because he does. Fieldtrips to the Pendragon suburbs aren't exactly weekly activities he plans for fun. Lelouch has a purpose for everything he does; he doesn't operate unless with a plan of action.

A shadow passes behind the drawn curtains of the window. Lelouch tenses, briefly considering ducking behind the nearest hedge to avoid being caught.

Yes, he always has a purpose. He just can't always remember it.

He's been invited for dinner. That does not explain what he's doing standing before Suzaku Kururugi's house at nine-o-clock in the morning.

Lelouch wracks his brain, recalling the combined waves of rage and emptiness that had engulfed him upon turning to the morning news (something he rarely does anymore; current events have little value to someone addicted to the past) and watching a recap of some high-end Britannia Corporation function he never received an invitation to, wherein Suzaku Kururugi, his first and only love, shook hands with Charles Zi Britannia as he was named Co-Chair of the Engineering Department. He looked so happy, dressed in a handsome suit with his hair actually tamed in a side-part, dark green eyes shining, but crinkled just slightly at the corners with an emotion Lelouch didn't raise his hopes by labeling.

He'd stormed out of his apartment, not even bothering to lock the door. The ride had been expensive, but Lelouch practiced in the art of getting what he wants, and the added time only heightened his desire to see those forest green eyes again in person. Accidentally at a coffee shop isn't enough. But showing up unannounced at his house is hardly better, because now he has Euphemia to deal with, and how on Earth will he get Suzaku to agree to be alone with him –

The door opens.

Lelouch doesn't know what he's expecting – Suzaku in another suit, leaving for the office; maybe one of them taking the dog out ( _do they have a dog? They seem like the type of couple that has a dog_ ) – but it certainly isn't the child who steps outside, rubbing sleep from her eyes. She clutches a stuffed frog to her chest as she totters onto the porch, bends down, and retrieves the newspaper from the stoop. With a sinking feeling Lelouch looks once more at the plaque above the mailbox.

Kururugi  _Family_... It has never even occurred to him that might mean...

"Mama," the girl cries nervously, and Lelouch sucks in a quick breath as he realizes she's staring at him. Her eyes are large, slanted just slightly at the corners and a startling shade of green that Lelouch knows all too well.

She looks just like  _him_. Short brown curls, deep green eyes... even the slight upturn of her nose is identical.

Lelouch feels sick.

"Did  _tou-san_  forget something?" a lyrical voice answers from inside.

He shouldn't have come here. What had he been thinking? Of course he knows Suzaku is married – he received an invitation to the wedding (best man they'd wanted him to be!), saw the ring on his finger just the other morning at Starbucks – but a  _family_... kids... It is too much for Lelouch to handle.

This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea and he's going home.

A woman appears in the doorway. Her long pink hair is pulled up in a sloppy ponytail, and it's obvious she hasn't been awake for very long. She wears a white terrycloth robe and no makeup, but  _oh_ , Lelouch thinks wistfully,  _she's still so beautiful._ _  
_

"Lulu," she calls softly, and for at terrifying moment Lelouch fears she recognizes him. It has been a few years but he isn't an everyman like Suzaku Kururugi, who blends in with the crowd and often goes unnoticed unless for the rare moments he allows himself to actually _be_  himself. There's also the fact, and this hurts most of all, that she's his sister.

She lays a hand on the toddler's shoulder, and Lelouch feels something else stirring in the pit of his stomach.  _Lulu_. The name reeks of the past; Lelouch hates it, hates everything it reminds him of.

_Tender embraces – laying together in a field of sunflowers – "This will make you forget" – giving himself over entirely to another person and that name being whispered over and over in his ear – "Lulu" – a gasp and a moan – the cold of the syringe against his vein for the first time – "I love you, Lulu..."_

This changes everything.


	7. Someone Like You, Part 2

_**Fragment 07** _ __**  
Someone Like You, Part 2**   
_"I remember you said_  
 _Sometimes it lasts it love_  
 _But sometimes it hurts instead"_

He stays in the suburbs, because he's due back for dinner later in the day. He doesn't want to go, would love nothing more than to flee to his apartment and shoot up until he can't remember that little brown head of curls, or the Kururugi Family plaque, or Lulu or anything at all except fields of sunflowers and warm arms around him – but that would be running away, and despite it all he can't bring himself to run away from Suzaku Kururugi again. He won't let himself be a coward, and so he reminds himself of why he's there – reminds himself that he had Suzaku first, Suzaku swore himself to him as a child and that is why Lelouch will win this game – and spends the afternoon in the park, laying on a stone bench and basking in the shade provided by an overgrown oak tree.

Lelouch doesn't know how much time passes, between when he closes his eyes and opens them again, but the sky is a painter's canvas of pinks and oranges. He sits up and there's a bad taste in his mouth. As he swings his legs over the bench to stand he wonders how he hasn't been evicted from the park, sleeping on the bench like a homeless person for God knows how long, and that is when something slams against his shin.

It's a soccer ball.

At first he thinks it's a dream, a hallucination from the Refrain – there's a child running towards him, chocolate curls bouncing and green eyes shining in the early evening sunlight – but he hasn't used today. The syringe is still in his back pocket, untouched, and the child isn't dressed in tattered jeans and a sweater. It's summer and this is a little girl; she's wearing a blue jersey inscribed with the number 7.

"That's mine," the girl says, stopping several feet from him and pointing at the ball.

Lelouch picks it up. Remarks, "nice aim," and watches with wry amusement as her nose scrunches.

He tosses her the ball. She kicks it back at him, hits him in the shin again and this time it actually  _hurts_.

"My aim's really good," she says, crossing her arms over her chest and  _oh, there's no doubt about it, they're definitely related_ – because only one other person has ever looked at him that way. She tilts her head to the side, still glaring petulantly. "You're that man from before."

Lelouch opens his mouth, wanting to deny it, to defend himself but it's like she already knows anything he says will be a lie. The slight upturn of her lips mocks him – how much does she know? It's as if she can see into him, see all of his secrets, it's frightening and he wants to run away.

"Luana!"

Suzaku is there, attractively ruffled with his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows and tie undone. He stops when he sees Lelouch, eyes comically wide and Lelouch wants to laugh or cry at the irony of it all because  _this is where it all started_.

There's a pregnant silence as Lelouch finally stands from the bench. It's as if time stands still. Lelouch takes a step closer, hand extending.

"Tou-san, lets go." The girl has grabbed Suzaku's hand and is tugging him in the opposite direction.

Suzaku blinks, glances between his daughter and the man who once was his best friend and so much more –and painfully less – than that. He extends a hand this time. "Did you want to watch Luana's game?"

Luana is six years old and the star of the Under Ten neighborhood soccer league. A natural born athlete, like her father. She scores three goals in the second half of the game and Lelouch actually cheers for her from where he sits beside Suzaku on the parents' bench. It's like old times. It's just like old times: Lelouch cheering on the sidelines, Suzaku easily taking control of the game – he stands and cheers,  _go Suzaku, you can do it, I believe in you!_  – and is only brought out of it when Suzaku grasps him by the wrist and reminds him gently, emerald eyes soft but curious, that his daughter's name is  _Luana_.

Lelouch sits back down and is silent for the remainder of the half, until Suzaku formally introduces Luana and the little girl cocks her head to the side and sizes his up.

"We're old friends," Suzaku explains, when she asks who Lelouch is. "Lelouch will be coming over for dinner, is that okay?"

Luana shrugs, disinterested, and glances back at the grassy field. " _Tou-san_ ," she whines, holding up the soccer ball. Suzaku smiles indulgently.

Most of the other families have dispersed, so the three of them form a triangle on the grass. The dying sun plays tricks on his eyes, turning strands of Suzaku's hair a light golden brown and making his eyes sparkle as he laughs and gently kicks the ball to his daughter. The summer air is warm; there's a thin sheen of sweat on Suzaku's brow that Lelouch wants to lick away. He feels sticky himself, and normally that would be unpleasant but he only returns the smile and attempts to block the ball Luana sails in his direction. It passes him easily and Lelouch has to run after it.

When he returns, ball in his hands, breath more ragged than it had been seconds ago, Suzaku approaches him. There's something familiar in his eyes. Lelouch remembers how on the news that morning they had been pinched at the corners, strained somehow, concealing the sorrow Lelouch had always been able to see in them – but that isn't the case anymore. Now, they are bright and beautiful and green. Lelouch wants to kiss him, wants to reach out and tangle his hand in that curly head of hair and –

He feels Suzaku's hands over his own and his breath catches.

"I finally got you to play with me," Suzaku says, a teasing lilt to his voice. He takes the ball from Lelouch's hands. "I knew I would, one day."


	8. Someone Like You, Part 3

_**Fragment 08** _   
**Someone Like You, Part 3**   
_"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited_   
_but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it_   
_I hoped you'd see my face_   
_and that you'd be reminded that for me_   
_it isn't over yet"_

Dinner starts off pleasant enough.

The four of them sit at the dinner table, Suzaku and Lelouch on opposite ends of the table. Euphemia, dressed in a pretty white sundress with her long hair braided over her shoulder, serves them a hearty dinner of roast beef and potatoes. Lelouch compliments her on her improved cooking skills, but can't help pointing out that the beef is overcooked. Euphemia blushes and Suzaku frowns disapprovingly, lays a hand atop his wife's, and declares he thinks it's perfect. It's adorable, they're such a cute couple - little Luana starts giggling as her daddy leans over to kiss her mommy on the cheek and it is then that Lelouch starts to feel sick to his stomach.

They're too perfect. Amidst the smalltalk that is dinner conversation they shoot each other affectionate glances and tiny smiles. At some point, their hands become joined on the tabletop, Suzaku's thumb stroking Euphemia's palm. All Lelouch wants to do is reach out and tear them apart. But he doesn't, he can't because -

"We're so happy you're here, Lelouch."

Lelouch doesn't believe her, not for a second. Because even as she says it she's looking at Suzaku, a pretty blush on her face as he squeezes her hand and _it's like they're doing it on purpose._  Lelouch thinks,  _this was a mistake_. Over and over, _this was a mistake this was a mistake this was a mistake._  He thought that maybe - maybe, what? That he could change things, ha! She's perfect, perfect and beautiful and good and she will always be the first choice; he will always be the afterthought, the backup but he just can't live with that, he just can't sit here and watch as they love each other, he can't.

"Mama, I'm tired."

Euphemia laughs quietly and folds her napkin, setting it on the table. "Do you boys mind?"

Suzaku shakes his head, smiling. "Not at all. We'll catch up."

Lelouch only nods, not watching as Euphemia excuses herself and leaves the room with her daughter. She promises she'll serve dessert after Luana has fallen sleep. Lelouch is sure it will be sweet and delicious, and he really doesn't want it; what he wants is to be alone with Suzaku, because that's all he needs - a moment alone with him and he's sure,  _he's sure he can..._

Suzaku wears a friendly mask. He leans forward, props an elbow on the table, and rests his chin in his palm, and he's adorable even after all these years. There's that tightness in the corners of his eyes that shows he's hiding something, though.

They are silent for the first few minutes. Lelouch glances around the room, unsure of what to do now that he has the opportunity to do whatever he wants. The house is immaculately kept, he notices; not a thing out of place. It's clean and cozy and _how is that possible because Suzaku lives there and Suzaku's bedroom always looks like a bomb went off unless Lelouch comes over to tidy things up._

"It's a beautiful house," he says.

Suzaku beams. "It's not much." Self-deprecating as always; he still hasn't learned how to take a comment. Lelouch is glad that hasn't changed about him, though. "But it's home. I never gave you a tour, did I?" Lelouch shakes his head and Suzaku stands from the table, already chattering away happily. "Well, obviously this is the dining room. And right there is the living room. We just got the flat-screen a few months ago, Luana was so excited."

Lelouch tries to look interested as he's led through the kitchen, and then the spare room that's used as an office. Suzaku only points to Luana's bedroom with a finger held over his smiling lips. Lelouch smiles as well, but his is more bitter, and they finally arrive at the master bedroom.

"Like I said, it isn't really much.." Suzaku scratches his arm self-consciously as Lelouch ventures further into the bedroom than is appropriate. Suzaku is far too polite to ask Lelouch to leave, though, and Lelouch uses that bit of knowledge to his advantage as he takes in the four-poster bed and other furnishings of the room.

"What is this?" Lelouch's voice is quiet, strangely devoid of emotion. He stands beside the desk holding up a gold picture frame, staring down at two boys who never imagined anything could tear them apart. The air grows warmer as Suzaku comes to stand beside him, taking the frame in his own hands.

"You know you'll always be family, Lelouch." Suzaku catches his gaze, and it's sorrow - that emotion he hadn't been able to identify before.

Sorrow. Regret. Just like him, Suzaku has...

Lelouch kisses him deeply.


	9. Someone Like You, Part 4

 

_The truth is, he loved him once –  
_ _An impossible, passionate love, like in the movies._

_The truth is, he never stopped thinking about him –_   
_Not a single night went by where he didn't dream things were different._

_No matter how wrong they were for each other,  
_ _how poisonous their relationship was,  
_ _how much he tried and tried to hate everything about him –  
_ _The truth is, it's impossible to forget your first love._

**_Fragment 09_ **   
**_Someone Like You, Part 4_ **   
_"Nothing compares, no worries or cares_   
_Regrets and mistakes they're memories made."_

 

Because they happen frequently, Suzaku thinks it's just another dream.

So when Lelouch kisses him, Suzaku lets him. Suzaku groans, clutches Lelouch to him like it's a dream come true, as if ten years haven't passed and led them down opposing roads in life. There's a voice in his head that tells him this is wrong, that he needs to stop, but there's a desire inside of him he didn't even know he had anymore – a passion he long thought dead – and that is what wins out, that is what allows Lelouch to back him up against the desk.

Their hands explore each other. It's been ten years and so much has changed but remains the same. Lelouch is still thin and fragile and trembles when Suzaku's hands touch his skin, and Suzaku still loves the feel of his lips as they travel down his neck.

He's had this dream before. This very same dream, wherein Lelouch takes him right here against the desk – and it's a glorious and beautiful reunion, and there's no outside life or children or people to impress, only him and Lelouch and a promise to be together forever. It's the same as always; there's no denying subconscious desire and there's no harm in letting it play out. In the morning he'll be sticky and yearning and ashamed of himself, but right now...

He gasps as Lelouch gropes him, palms the front of his pants with a knowing gleam in his violet eyes. The friction has never felt that real before. Lelouch's breath on his neck is hot, his body against Suzaku's own a greater weight than usual.

There's sound filtering in from the next room. A lullaby CD – Luana still likes falling asleep to music –  _the itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the water spout._..

Lelouch's hand slips into his pants. Suzaku's breath catches in his throat.

Euphie is singing along, giggling,  _"down came the rain and washed the spider out..."_

Suzaku can't do this. He can't, he can't but he  _wants to_  and that's what makes things even worse. He loves it when Lelouch touches him, he's thought about it in his dreams and this isn't a dream, he knows that now; it's real and it feels amazing but it _can't_ –

"Lelouch, what are you doing?"

"You've missed me, haven't you?"

Lelouch gives an insistent squeeze.

Yes –  _God_ , _yes,_   _he's missed him so much_  –

"Of course, but-!"

-but _no!_  He has Euphemia and Luana and the life that he always wanted, and that's all he needs, that's all he's ever needed. A normal, respectable life with a beautiful family he loves. He doesn't want anything more than that; he barely deserves this as it is and he has no right to ask for anything else, and _how dare Lelouch force himself back into Suzaku's life like this?_

"Lelouch, we  _can't_ -" Suzaku tries to convey his desire for Lelouch to stop, but Lelouch either chooses not to notice or it isn't there to begin with. Suzaku doesn't have time to wonder which is the case, because Lelouch is already kissing him again, demanding, and as much as Suzaku wants to resist, the feeling - the familiarity, the passion with which Lelouch kisses him makes his head spin and lose focus.

When they pull apart Suzaku's breathing is labored, vision hazy. Lelouch brings one of Suzaku's hands to his lips and takes a finger into his mouth, and Suzaku feels a twitch of excitement that he knows he shouldn't.

Isn't it enough to just be friends? Suzaku wouldn't have minded, Suzaku is the one who's tried to make that happen. He'll always love Lelouch and he does want him in his life. But not like this, it can't be like this and now that he knows Lelouch won't stop unless Suzaku changes his mind – now that Suzaku knows the extent of his own desire, how it won't take much for Lelouch to break down his defenses if he tries hard enough –

Suzaku's eyes widen at the sight of something gold between Lelouch's teeth. He's furious when Lelouch turns his head and casually spits the wedding ring on the floor .

It can never work. They can't go back to the way things were before. He was naïve to think maybe there was a chance at re-establishing their friendship.

It's better to be angry. To hate him. And he does hate him, in that moment, for shattering that hope. For coming here and daring to touch him that way, in Suzaku's own room, with his daughter sleeping on the other side of the wall –

Suzaku shoves him away, doesn't even blink when Lelouch hits the floor and certainly doesn't offer to help him back up.

Euphemia opens the door. ** _  
_**

 

 


	10. Someone Like You, Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> M-rated chapter. MxF. Tried to be as tactful as possible, but it's still sex and voyeurism.

_**Fragment 10** ****  
Someone Like You, Part 5  
"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?  
_ _Never mind._  
I'll find someone like you."

"Has Lelouch gone home already?"

It's completely wrong, on so many levels...

But he pulls her into his arms.

"Yes. He left after you took Luana up to bed."

It's unfair to Euphemia, who melts against him the moment he kisses her, blissfully unaware of their audience, and it's a terribly cruel thing to do to Lelouch, who's had just enough time to curl up in the narrow space between the armoire and the mahogany desk where only minutes ago he'd had Suzaku pinned, his violet eyes wide and horrified but unable to look away. But he's not the good little boy he used to be – the one who liked to sit with Lelouch on a park bench and listen to him read, the one who would jump at his every command and who promised eternity – and so Suzaku just grins and slides his palms up Euphemia's thighs, relishing in the growing dread on Lelouch's face when his fingers slip past her underwear and into her.

She quivers against him, breath hitching as she calls out his name. Her hands are clasped around his shoulders, grasping fistfuls of his shirt as his fingers deftly rub against her, in and out, in and out until she's moaning and arching against him in a very unladylike way. He kisses her forcefully, more roughly than he's ever been with her and she loves it, he can tell by the way her eyes roll back slightly before fluttering closed and –  
 _  
"You fucked her, didn't you?"_

Suzaku's eyes snap back open, angry he would think of that now at all times.  _Yes I fucked her and I'll fuck her again, I'll fuck her again and again before I ever think about touching you –_

Suzaku tastes copper. But it's okay, because despite the little, pained squeak Euphemia's tongue is now in his mouth and it doesn't matter that her lip is bleeding.

Lelouch is shaking, but he's managed to tear his eyes away, now staring resolutely ahead, and Suzaku can't have that. The whole point of this is to teach Lelouch a lesson.

He removes his fingers from Euphemia and brings them to his mouth, and both she and Lelouch gape at him.

They fall to the bed, and it isn't long before Suzaku has Euphemia's dress off. He purposefully tosses it in Lelouch's direction and even smiles at him as Euphemia unclasps the buckle of his pants and slides them down his thighs.

It's all very quick after that. Euphemia's legs are wrapped around his waist as he pounds into her, her back arching off the mattress as she cries out. He grunts and brings his mouth down on her – to her lips, her neck, her breasts – and all the while his eyes never leave Lelouch.

Lelouch is a sight to behold on any occasion, Suzaku must begrudgingly admit. He's beautiful when he's standing tall with his shoulders squared and his gaze burning defiantly. He's beautiful when he's curled against Suzaku, whimpering, bringing the needle to his arm. He's beautiful when he has Suzaku trapped against the desk and kisses him hungrily. But right now...

Right now Lelouch's eyes are glazed over with a combination of hatred and ecstasy, and he strokes himself fervidly. There's shame in the curl of his lip but also an undeniable pleasure as his back hunches and he works faster, hand moving in time with Suzaku's thrusts. Tears stain his cheeks and Suzaku loves the sight of them, would love even more to lean forward and lick them away because _this is what you get, you son of a bitch, this is what you get and you deserve every moment of it._

Euphemia cries out, walls clenching around him and Suzaku doesn't think to pull out of her as he comes.

Lelouch clasps a hand over his mouth, but it isn't enough to muffle the low keening of Suzaku's name.

There's a long silence, during which Euphemia turns her head to the side and is disturbed to see her half-brother cowering in the corner of her and her husband's bedroom, hand down his pants, face flushed and sweaty and inconsolably betrayed.

"L-Lelouch..."

It takes a moment, but Lelouch manages to school his expression into cool indifference and rise to his feet as if nothing out of the ordinary just occurred. Suzaku's heart feels heavy – but why should he feel guilty? After what Lelouch has dared to do, in his own home, with his own wife and child in the next room, he should be nothing but satisfied by the outcome of this because  _you deserved it! You deserve it and don't look at me like that, you know you did!_

Lelouch zips up his pants, smoothens out the wrinkles in his shirt, and silently leaves the bedroom.

Suzaku watches him go, throat suddenly dry and tears stinging his eyes, and hates himself.

**Author's Note:**

> My inspiration for this fic is the Adele CD '21' - specifically the song "Someone Like You." Every chapter corresponds to a different song on the CD, which I encourage you to look up on Youtube (or you can find the chapters on my LJ, where I also have the videos to the songs embedded). The titles of the chapters are the songs which inspired them.
> 
> Anyways. This fic will feature Suzaku as a "happily married" husband and father and Lelouch a refrain-addicted home-wrecker. Originally posted on FF.net.


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